Monday, February 9, 2009

journal entry: june 24, 2008

The last two days have been mentally and emotionally intense.  I've had quite a wide range of feelings from elated/excited to infuriated and full of rage.  The infuriation has come mostly due to the attitudes of some of my fellow travelers.  This wasn't completely unexpected.  3.5 weeks with the same people 24/7... I anticipated this sort of thing.  Yet, for whatever reason, I never expected the lack of respect and selfishness that has been rampant these past few days.  I'm also highly irritated with some people's use and view of the farm.  Few are actually utilizing the knowledge and resources available to us for our intellectual benefit.  I feel like some are using it as a hotel and I feel treating the staff as slightly glorified servants.  No one is suppose to clean up after us we are suppose to do it, but alas not the case.

My main concern is that we're ruining the relationship(s) that we've worked so hard to cultivate due to our recent crappy behavior.  I'd like to think that I could work with the organization again in the future, but am paranoid that other people might mess that up for me.  Leaving me to pay the consequences of others' actions.  I don't want to pay for others' ignorance.  Hence why I typically hate group projects.  I can't stand incompetence and lack of effort.  I hate laziness and half-ass efforts.  Damnit if it's your turn to sweep, sweep like it's going out of style!

End Rant.

We've been reading and discussing Raja Yoga the past few classes (and we're suppose to continue doing so for the next several) and I'm having a very difficult time grasping the concept of Prana.  I'm having trouble thinking that there are other levels of being.  Perhaps not levels isn't a very good descriptor, but frequencies on which other beings exist... or other states of being.  I'm having trouble comprehending how that could be possible... let alone believing it.  I know the point isn't to take or leave this stuff, but to understand and analyze... but I can't even really do that.  There's this leap of faith necessary to comprehend all aspects of this, and I can't seem to do it even temporarily.  I don't disbelieve that it could be possible, but am having a difficult time visualizing it.  How can I believe something that I don't truly understand?  In terms of religion and spirituality, I feel this has always been my short coming.  What if everything Vivekananda is saying about vibrations and frequencies is just a halucination?  A social construction used to explain the unexplainable.  I don't want to simply dismiss it, but at the same time I'm puzzled and highly skeptical (per usual).  Perhaps I'm not there, perhaps I'll never be there.  There being the point of understanding and comprehension needed to make an informed decision one way or the other.  I feel like trying harder and forcing any sort of grasp would be pointless... my mind is so stubborn.  It makes me irritated and anxious; stress I don't want and very unnecessary.  Maybe things will be clearer tomorrow... maybe not.  Perhaps sleep is all I can do.

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