Thursday, May 29, 2008

Venture into the unknown

I've had an amazing past two days. Friends showing their love and support. Sharing food and fun. I'm not as scared as I was, but I'm still nervous. I'll be there this time tomorrow. New Delhi. I'm not going to sleep tonight. Too bad I've had a few beers and am sleepy.

Jdawg made dinner for us all last night. Erin and Tturtle made salad. LBG(TQ), Colin, Cage Fighter and Scotty were there. We all drank, ate, and were overall merry. It made my heart warm.

I'm going to be getting suits for Colin, Tturtle and Jdawg in New Delhi. Three men running around Gainesville in my fashions. BAMF! That my friend, is power.

Erin is making cobbler right now. I'm wearing a green dress, hand made and passed along to the person who fits in it. Video games are being played. Dog is being weird. All feels right in the world.

I wonder what six weeks from now will be like.

Wednesday, May 28, 2008


I leave in less than 48 hours.  I'm starting to freak out.  Hard core.  I don't feel ready.  Prep stuff has exploded onto every available surface.  My heart is racing.  Last night I started to get scared and had to stop hanging out with peeps because I was feeling strange and terrified.  I just wanted someone to hold me tight like the child I am.  I burrowed into my blankets instead.   I created a tiny cocoon in hopes of waking up as a brave butterfly.  Strong, beautiful wings to carry me over the ocean.  To the land of mystery.

Independent woman my ass.  I'm just one miniature crisis away from becoming a blubbering infant.  Blowing spit bubbles and shitting my pants.  Perhaps I'll just cry it out.  Or throw up.  I feel like this fear has become an amorphous blob in the pit of my stomach.  My fear has become physical, but India still seems abstract and surreal.

Monday, May 26, 2008

morning procrastination

Kimya Dawson - My Rollercoaster

you were on my mind at least nine tenths of yesterday
it seemed as if perhaps I'd gone insane
what is it about you that has commandeered my brain?
maybe it's your awesome songs or maybe it's the way
when I look at your face I can tell that you're not going to be stopping soon or even slowing down
and if we keep up this pace pretty soon we'll know the name of every kid and every grown up booking house shows in their town

and if home is really where the heart is
then wer're the smartest kids I know
because wherever we are in this great big world
we'll never be more than a few hours from home
and that's important because I need to travel
I've had this itchin in my shoes since I was just a little kid
and before I had a mini van I road the Greyhound bus
my mom would say "I hope some day you get paid for being Kimya Dawson"

and now I do and it's not much
but it's enough
I've got my Scrabble game, food on my plate, good friends and family
and now there's you understanding why I do the things I do
knowing that you do them too makes me really happy

on the road again
just can't wait to get on the road again
the life I love is makin' music with my friends
and I can't wait to get on the road again

on the road again
just can't wait to get on the road again
the life I love is makin' music with my friends
and I can't wait to get on the road again

from a distance, the world looks blue and green
and the snow capped mountains white
from a distance, the ocean meets the stream
and the eagle takes to flight

Darkness imprisoning me
All that I see
Absolute horror
I cannot live
I cannot die
Trapped in myself
Body my holding cell

do do do do do do do
do do do do do do do
do do do do do do do
do do do do do do do
I'll be your cryin' shoulder
I'll be love's suicide
I'll be do do do do do do
I'll be the greatest man of your life

'cause I like going for hikes and riding bikes
and playing video games in the middle of the night
and I'll stay up late and I wont even care
that we're getting up early to go to the state fair
I'm gonna ride the biggest ride it'll be out of sight
then I'll share an elephant ear with you if you'd like
because we are alive so we've gotta live life
to the fullest you spin the bottle and I'll dim the lights
four five six seven minutes in the closet

you were on my mind at least nine tenths of yesterday
it seemed as if perhaps I'd gone insane
what is it about you that has commandeered my brain?
maybe it's your awesome songs or maybe it's the way
you go straight to the top you're not scared of getting squashed
you know just when to jump off
you're so brave
and then you run to the right it seems there's no hope in sight
and you drop down to the tube that takes you right to level eight

life is a highway and I'm gonna ride it
every day's a winding road yeah
my rollercoaster's got the biggest ups and downs
as long as it keeps goin' round its unbelievable

life is a highway and I'm gonna ride it
every day's a winding road yeah
my rollercoaster's got the biggest ups and downs
as long as it keeps goin' round its unbelievable

Saturday, May 24, 2008

laugh often

To laugh often and love much; to win the respect of intellingent persons and the affection of children; to earn the approbation of honest citizens and endure the betrayal of false friends; to appreciate beauty; to find the best in others; to give of one's self; to leave the world a bit better, whether by a healthy child, a garden patch or a redeemed social condition; to have played and laughed with enthusiasm and sung with exultation; to know even one life has breathed easier because you have lived - this is to have succeeded. - Ralph Waldo Emerson

While I'm not very familiar with Emerson's work, I do greatly appreciate the above.  I feel it sums up my goals.  To make some small change in the world we live in.  I have to keep this in mind when I feel as I did earlier this month.

Friday, May 23, 2008

yarn, loons, and memories

I really like this image.  The one of the scarf more so than the loafers.  The color and texture of the yarn are calming.  The slight blur is also very beautiful and makes the image warm despite the cold slate blue.  It makes me think of the cool crisp mornings at the cottage in northern Michigan when I was little.  I'd get up early to the sound of the loons singing out on the lake.  I'd bundle up in my Papa's red flannel shirt which was big enough to cover most of my tiny body.  Quietly I'd creep downstairs and sit in the chilled living room and stare out at the misty lake.  Many times you couldn't make out anything on the lake, but knew the loons were there.  Welcoming the brand new day with their eerie call.

I still wear Papa's flannel in the winter.  It only covers down to my thighs now.  I didn't realize how much I missed the loons until I saw this polaroid.  I hope they're still out there singing on the lake.

Thursday, May 22, 2008

george and laura

Last night I was making dinner for my grandparents.  Heating up leftovers really.  Nothing fancy, nothing strange.  Grandma was giving me instructions on how to use microwaves and where to find things in her kitchen.  Nothing in her kitchen has moved in years; everything is where it has been my entire life.  The microwave is also rather standard... and I've been known to be quite a wiz with a microwave.  Just sayin'.  

I went to get a pot holder out to grab a plate and there, staring up at me, was the President of the United States and First Lady.

In calender form.  
In the kitchen drawer with the pot holders.  

I giggled to myself and slyly glanced around.  I'd reverted back to the mischievous little girl I'd been long ago in that very kitchen.  I had something I wasn't suppose to.  Grandma's attention has been turned elsewhere, giving me ample time to pick up the interesting specimen and quietly flip through.  Who would want 12 different picture of the Georgie-poo?  Who would want one really aside from maybe his mother, George Washington (aka Barbara Bush)?  Each month was slightly more hilarious than the previous.  I flipped to the back: Compliments of the Republican Party.  

George W. and Laura Bush.  Mass produced in calender packaging.  Smiling stupidly at the American People.  Not even my Grandma, GOP card carrying member since 1948, put that thing up in her home.
It's in the kitchen drawer, with the pot holders.

Perhaps there is a god.  It wasn't on the wall.

Tuesday, May 20, 2008

adventure to the great (not so) white north

We're being sent to visit family since we haven't seen some of them in several years.  A living, breathing, care-package.  My sister and I are somewhat looking forward, somewhat nervous.  Our grandparents, my mother's parents, are quite old and batty.  My mom being 3rd out of 4.  My Aunt called today to give us a heads up since Grandma's status was 'saucy' as of  this afternoon.  The Incredible Shrinking Woman!  Delightful.  Terrifying.  Always Entertaining.  The cockroach who will out live us all.  All that will be left after the nuclear fall out:  Grandma, Keith Richards, and cockroaches.  

We're also been charged with the task of figuring out how to get around Kalamazoo Michigan without a map and without help from a lucid navigator.  I smell an adventure in the making.  Our mission: report back with details of well-being and our sanity if at all possible.  Come!  Venture into the Heart of Crazy!  In the crumbling economy that is the remains of the auto industry.

I joke mostly to keep from crying.  This could easily be the last time I see them.

Monday, May 19, 2008

experiments: front yard finds

I  love natural fibers.  I find them fascinating and wondrous.  A shiny pebble in my world of mysteries!  
Yesterday as we were getting ready to go out, I stood in the front yard waiting... and thinking.  I was curious if the African Iris (Dietes iridioides) leaves would make good cordage.  

The plant from the Iridaceae (Iris family) and is also called fortnight lily, and morea iris.  It's native range is from Kenya to the southern tip of Africa along the eastern coast.  In efforts to figure out if it would make decent cordage I clipped some brown/dead leaves and placed them in a bucket of water for about 2 hours.  I was hoping the results would be similar to the daylily cordage I had made previously with Erin.  No such luck.  After much effort and several attempts, I was unable to make the cordage using the methods I know.  But I will not be defeated that easily.  I'm going to take some back to Gainesville with me for Erin.  Perhaps she'll succeed where I fell short.  She's also much more knowledgeable than I am on this sort of thing, not to mention she's much more creative than I.

Today wasn't completely wasted however.  I started on a project I've been plotting for some time.  Today I began making my army of dish towels.  Hooray for sustainable alternatives to wasteful paper towels!

Sunday, May 18, 2008


India is less than two weeks away.  I'm nervous and thrilled all in the same breath.  

Each moment brings new wonderment and anxiety.  
New anticipation.  
New mystery.  
New fears.

It'd be a complete lie to say I'm not scared.  I am.  I can't help but be.  I know I'll be safe and fine.  It's "The Experience of a Lifetime!"  Just because I'm so excited doesn't mean I'm not also terrified like a bride-to-be.  Poised.  ready for flight.  

I've been reading like a fiend this past week in efforts to prepare myself for the great unknown.  I can't stop from feeling antsy.  Nothing I do seems to adequately occupy my time, nor can I sit still long enough to finish any project or task.  I sleep a lot.  Dreaming of India.

Perhaps my current locale is not a great place for me to pass this time.
I miss the bakery
I miss the small town, tight knit feel of the 'ville.
I miss originality.
I miss non chain, non corporate places to explore
I miss my bike
I miss friends
I miss adventures.

This feeling is something I need to get used to.  Six weeks in India might teach me how to finally be patient.  How to let go.  How to simply be.  These are the only things I hope to get out of the trip.  I don't want to consume the culture.  I don't long for material treasures I'll find for myself.  I want to simply observe and explore.  Learn.  Completely.  Totally.  Deeply.  Like a new lover.  When you spend the day in bed exploring each other.  Contours.  Flaws.  Wrinkles.  Colors.  Shapes.  Smells.

India, I'm ready for our intimacy.

Saturday, May 17, 2008


today is my birthday (May 18th).  I'm currently quite drunk.  I went to Ybor City with my parents.  How funny/lame.  Cute really.  Happy birthday to me.  Today I am officially old.

Friday, May 16, 2008

"I'm Not There"

I'm Not There is a film based on the life and legend of Bob Dylan.  The movie follows six different characters who each personify part of Dylan's life, although have different names.  The six characters are played by prominent actors, Woody Guthrie (Marcus Carl Franklin), Jack Rollins (Christian Bale), Jude Quinn (Cate Blanchette), Robbie Clark (Heath Ledger), Arthur Rimbaud (Ben Whishaw), and an aging Billy the Kid (Richard Gere), who all do a phenomenal job .  One of the most interesting parts was the way in which the film was shot.  According to Wikipedia (since I'm not very knowledgeable on the technical aspects of film) :

The story lines are shot in different film stocks and styles.  The scenes featuring Woody Guthrie, Robbie Clark, and Billy the Kid are in color.  The scenes involving Jack Rollins/Pastor John are shot on 16mm color stock, and are framed as a documentary with interviews from people who knew him.  Scenes featuring Jude Quinn are shot in back and white, and use surreal imagery based on those of Federico Fellini's 8 1/2.  Arthur Rimbaud's scenes are shot on very grainy back and white stock.

Part of what captured and fascinated me was the use of the different film stocks and accompanying styles to create different emotions, sensations, and opinions to the corresponding characters.  The more real and more relatable their problems (or should I say Dylan's problems) were to the viewer, the more 'high quality' color film stock used.  I say this because Franklin, Gere, and Ledger's characters were very real to me.  They were people I pass by on the streets every day.  They have some of the same internal struggles viewers can identify with; I can identify with.  I wonder if the actors cast for each role were picked also due to some personal aspects they could lend to their characters.  Perhaps a long shot, but is it too much to wonder?  

Heath Ledger delivers yet another stunning performance causing small pangs of sorrow.  I like Ledger as an actor.  I've always been a fan of his versatility and ability to avoid getting typecast.   I thought he was a bold and daring performer.  Cate Blanchette simply blew me away.  I also loved the use of cross dressing and gender blending to portray Dylan in the 60s.  Blanchette actually made Dylan appear attractive.  Never have I found him such, but Blanchette is a beautiful person thus made her character, and subsequent personification of Dylan, beautiful.  Blanchette has been quoted to saying that she wore a sock in her pants to play the role in order to "walk like a man".  I've always been curious as to what that feels like and have even gone so far to ask.  Asking a biological man was silly at best, since they don't know other wise... in hindsight I should have asked a FTM or MTF.  Perhaps more expertise.  Any how, I digress...

While watching the film with my family and sister, I couldn't help but wonder if I was missing some deeper meaning.  My mom kept saying she didn't get it, naturally making me second guess if I understood the movie.  Once the movie was over and I had reviewed somethings on the internet, I discovered that my confusion was based more in my own lack of knowledge of Dylan's life than a lack of understanding of the film.  The film is somewhat biographical in that it takes key elements from Dylan's life and creates a character around it.  By not knowing why or what a particular character represents, I did miss something.  Overall, I'm pretty sure I enjoyed the film.  I'd like to see it again sometime.  Perhaps when I know slightly more about Dylan's life than just his poetic songs.

Wednesday, May 14, 2008


As I sit outside on my parents patio enjoying the beautiful pleasant weather, I can't help but worry and feel depressed for all that is going on in the world:
Myanmar cyclone and a military regime refusing to allow aid
China earthquake
Chili volcano eruption
Food riots as prices spiral out of control in Africa
India terrorist bombings in Jaipur
Heat waves
Where does it end?
It's difficult for me to enjoy how much we have and the small pleasures that are occurring in my tiny world when all I can focus on is the chaos that has befallen humanity.  Events like the above make me question if I really ever want to have children in this fucked up world.  As I tried  to sleep last night, my mind reeled.  Where can we place the blame for things of this nature?  There is no one person that can be blamed, but abstract concepts: 
How do we fight something that has no face?  no body?  no origin?  How do we right the wrongs that have developed over centuries?  How do we fix the damage originating with our ancestors use of colonialism and imperialism?  Issuing a public apology is no longer enough.  Nor should it be.
Remember there is beauty, good, and love left in the world... right around the corner.
Love will win in the end....


Tuesday, May 13, 2008

india presentation

My grandparents called my mother today and yelled at her because India is close to Myanmar (aka Burma) and thus is unsafe (according to them) for me to be traveling near.  They are also unhappy that I'm going to be near "those damn commy Chinese" and Pakistan.  Of course my mother passed the buck and confronted me about this.  Saying quote "You're lucky I'm not picking you up from the airport because after dealing with your grandparents for six weeks, I might have to kick your ass for leaving the country."  Oh my family's logic is astounding.  My comment was that it is too late to back out now.  The fees and tickets are nonrefundable.  Lucky me.  We're currently trying to edit the borders of the map of India and keeping our fingers crossed that we catch them on a "crazy" day.  They watch FOX News.  I don't feel bad about giving them half truths.  I never thought I'd have to do projects once my parents had accepted that I was going, but I'm going to put together a presentation for the grandrents for piece of mind.  Fingers crossed they'll be so overloaded, they'll just be speechless.  Speechlessness is an effect rarely seen in my clan and is quite a lofty goal.  Toes also crossed.

Sunday, May 11, 2008

morning procrastination

Navdanya Farm, Dera Dun India

This is where I'll be in 19 days.

So much about the trip doesn't seem real.  Mostly that it'll soon be happening to me.

Saturday, May 10, 2008


Tomorrow I head to Tampa to visit my parents for about a week, then to Michigan to see family before the big India trip.

I'm quite bummed out that I'm leaving the 'ville.  I'll be back briefly May 26th for the May Baby Birthday Celebration (all May Babies celebrate...duh) then I leave for India May 30th.  I've been enjoying my free time immensely.  I've realized how much I truly love where I'm living and the friends I've made.  I can't say I'm excited about being in Tampa.  The city is as personable as the color beige.  Ew.  I'll try my hardest to adventure; it'll be slightly easier since my sister will also be there.  I am looking forward to seeing her and her dog Butt.  Below are some pictures of several adventures.  I've been on many more but am not always equipped with my camera.  Bad for documenting adventure mania, but makes my bag lighter.

In search of the junk lady
Somewhere in NorthCentral FL April 24, 2008

Happily Lost
Micanopy, FL April 24, 2008

Rolling Rings
Levin College of Law, Gainesville, FL April 25, 2008

Gainesville, FL May 2, 2008

Erin and Bess the chicken (?)
Gainesville, FL May 2, 2008

Gainesville FL May 5, 2008

Blinded by the light
Gainesville, FL May 5, 2008

Washing adventure with Erin
Gainesville, FL May 9, 2008

LBG(TQ)'s obsession with Vitamin Water reaches all time high
2nd Street Bakery, Gainesville FL May 10, 2008

hill-dawg a conservative populist?

Let them Eat Arugula - The New Republic

LBG(TQ) recommended I read this online article. Apparently, although a rather conservatively skewed publication, it still contains some interesting/thought provoking articles. Call me a liberal snob if you wish. I'm ok with that.

Recommend you read the article and form your own opinion. I think it made an excellent point in regards to Hill-dawg's campaign. I do feel as though she's throwing aside many things she's believed in for a long time. There was once a time when I had said I'd vote for her, but the longer the primaries run and the more she bashes candidates in her own party, the more I feel disappointed and that I would be highly conflicted voting for her.

Thursday, May 8, 2008

notes from a plea to Machen

Today I attended and sat horrified as Bernie Machen justified his arbitrary degree eliminations to the Senate Steering Committee.  Go figure, much like our federal government there is a system of checks and balances put into place to ensure that no one entity (faculty, administration, board of trustees) has power to wield in an abusive fashion.  Bernie said point blank that he had by-passed the system of getting approval from the departments, the colleges, or the senate committee itself.  I listened as person after person told Machen how his decision to cut Philosophy Ph.D.  will deeply damage the reputation of the university as a whole and tarnish the national and international views of the university.  How cutting Ph.D programs in general was an awful idea, especially the ones designated to be eliminated which had been around for 40+ years. They went on to tell about how highly ranked each department he was fucking with was on the national level... these arguments came from all nine present committee members ranging from departments all over the university, except Rick Yost.  Yost acted as Machen's monkey and was outright rude to the audience and other committee members.  Carol Murphy kicked ass and eloquently made her points receiving a round of applause each time she spoke.  She spoke up and asked if these program eliminations could be reconsidered.  Machen sat begrudgingly, clearly not listening or taking what was being said into consideration.  Machen simply repeated that "the money had to come from somewhere".  When asked why specific programs were being not just suspended but eliminated, again the answer was "the money had to come from somewhere".  Machen did welcome evidence for keeping particular faculty and programs to be presented to him.  However, that information couldn't be presented until the next Senate meeting next week, which would be after his meeting with the Board of Trustees to approve the new budget.  Pretty much making it null and void.  It was also brought up why institutes, such as the water institution were getting funding cuts, when a stipulation of their creations was that they would be free standing and not receive any portion of the budget.  What the FUCK!  How could this have happened?  How do you just forget that something was to remain funded by federal grants only!?  And why is this secondary program made up of a coalition of people holding various positions throughout the university being given extra funding when we're slashing Ph.D. programs?!  Outrageous!  

I had to leave 20 minutes early when the floor was opened to faculty members to ask questions and voice their comments.  I wanted to stay and get my two cents in but, undergraduates were not going to be permitted to speak.  I knew Yost wouldn't let it get that far.  I just couldn't sit there any longer as Machen ignored and down right refused to listen to the people his decisions were directly effecting.  A professor from Political Science asked, "Bernie?  Bernie?  Are you even listening?"  To which he responded "I didn't hear the question."  Translation:  I've made my decisions.  I don't care what you or anyone else has to say.  I'm cutting these programs because I want to.  I realized then that the university operates as a microcosm of our nation.  Much like President Bush, President Machen doesn't care about anyone but himself and his own personal interests.  I sat in a bathroom and cried for all the people that would be effected by this goddamnedmotherfuckingpieceofshitexcuseforahumanbeing, and wondered why it seemed only fucktards were in positions of power.  I also wondered how they got there, and how we as a populous have been deluded for so long.

Overall, judging from the discussion I'd say if any program as the potential for being saved the Philosophy Ph.D. and French Ph.D  programs have a pretty good shot.  That said, I think the entire meeting demonstrated the hopeless of the situation and laid out UF's destination to go down the shitter.

Today, it's not so great to be a Florida Gator.  We're watching the "Foundations of the Gator Nation" crumble and burn. 

There is a slight glimer of hope.  The budget posted online is not the finalized one.  There is still a snowballs chance in hell that something could be changed before being submitted to the Board of Trustees next week.

budget cuts

I'm frustrated and deflated.  The University of Florida announced Monday it's new budget for the 2008-2009 fiscal year.  The effects on anything non-technological are horrid.  Anything falling into the category of Liberal Arts is in danger.  

I'm so worried for some many people I love and care about.  I'm also concerned about the quality of my education in the upcoming year.  I have a new sense of urgency to get my degrees from this sinking flagship university as quickly as I can before they become worthless.  While I only have a year left, I can't help but worry about the upcoming semesters and how these awful cuts will trickle down to the mere undergraduates such as myself.  I'm also concerned for the Women's Studies Dept.  I have no idea how it got out the way it did in the overall budget cuts.  I'm wondering what goddess we've appealed to and how it possibly came out unscathed when department like Philosophy and Romantic Languages were hit so hard.  Not that the effected departments are any more (or less) valuable than WST, but they are much more ingrained in traditional university academia.  Bernie Machen (UF dictator and fascist pig) doesn't seem like the type to give a shit about Women's studies.  In fact, I know he doesn't given his history dealing with activists on campus.

I'm also concerned for the Botany department.  It's small, and just got merged in with Zoology and Biological Sciences.  The Extension office got hit REALLY hard as well.  This will have a horrible overall environmental impact and possibly terrifying effects on the large Florida agricultural industry.  IFAS provides so many services for the community as well as acts as a place to network for those doing research in various Florida ecosystems.  I'm curious as to how this is going to pan out in the future and if the graduate students I've become friends with are going to be soon facing issues those in Philosophy and Romantic Languages are now.  IFAS did a lot for the natural sciences.  The two institutions have a beautiful partnership, which from what I've observed, is beneficial on all ends.  I'm kind of kicking myself that I didn't graduate early like I could have.  Perhaps its for the best though.  Now I can stay, fight, and be a pain in the administration's ass.  Good thing I'm good at that.  The problem is, this is so big and multifaceted I don't know where or how to start.

Monday, May 5, 2008

tissues and blood

I  had a wonderful day and even more pleasant evening catching up with old friends.  Old friends that know more about me than I'd ever conceived imaginable.  Two women who can read my thoughts, predict my reactions, tickle and love me through a friendship  words will never do justice.

Later as I stood in my living room folding laundry, I started to deeply reflect on what the concept of friendship and relationships mean to me.  One friend is my inspiration.  My guide in my journey towards feminism.  My encouragement in activism and ideas.  My logic and reason.  The other, my rock.  My support structure.  The foundation of my strengths.  My shield when I need protection.  I love them both.  Deeper than I probably have any partner.  I sat down at my desk and begin to collage.  I started again.  I don't remember why I stopped or what happened to the half finished pieces.  Last week, while cleaning I found a folder of bits I'd saved to put together later.  It had also reminded me of the two women I love so much.  I thought about how and why our trio had grown together over such a vast span of time.  Over half my life, these two people have been present in some shape or form.  I won't lie.  Our relationships have seen some trying times.  Like spinning thread simply spun too thin.  However, these ties never broke.  We've worked out many kinks, with determination on all sides. 

After a while, I got up and washed my face in the bathroom.  Upon wiping my face on the bath towel, I saw bright red blood.  I couldn't figure out where it came from.  It shone so brightly on the pale yellow towel.  I grabbed a tissue in attempts to clot the blood and spare the towel of further staining.  Not to be morbid, but I've always been drawn to how tissues absorb things, especially blood.  The image of the droplet is oddly beautiful and calming to me.  The edges of each spot blurry, the color - fluid and unique.  Each droplet it's own individual.  Yet occasionally venturing into other another.  I thought of my childhood/teenage/adulthood friends, my life mates, who have always been and always will be.  My tissues who absorb the pain and pleasures that spill out of me.  Without question.  The beautiful, individual droplets of bright color.

This is love.  

Love is a bloody tissue.  In a dark lonely bathroom.  At 2:00am.  Love is the bits of paper and images tucked away for later.  Lingering as a reminder of what has come and what will.

Above was taken in Gainesville on May 5, 2008.
We were watching a documentary and creating.

morning procrastination

I woke up when I felt like it.  Read in bed for half an hour.  Decided to take a shower, then decided that bed still sounded positively divine.  Got myself a cup of coffee.  Grabbed the can of 'Luxury Wafers with Chocolate Creme filling'.  Read in bed for another half  hour.  Fed the birds.  Watered the plant.  Contemplated what to do with the beautiful monday.  

All naked.

Because I could.

Saturday, May 3, 2008

tail feathers

I came home today after spending a wonderful evening with Erin to find blood and feathers everywhere.  I freaked the fuck out.  No other way to describe it.  I get very defensive over my pride and joy.  He's my world, my child, my best friend, and worst enemy.  When birdface wouldn't let me touch him, I burst into tears and cried as I tried to make sure he wasn't still bleeding.  birdface came hopping over and cooed softly when he realized I was so upset.  He loves me in his own round about way.  Why should he be different than any other man in my life?  

He's fine, but has no tail feathers.  

I checked to see if perhaps he had flown into the fan while I was out, but the fan wasn't on.  It took me a while, but after thinking about it, the only explanation I can come up with is that he pulled them out himself.  sweety did that one time after my mom's dog almost caught her.  Jdawg and dog came over today... and after about an hour of waiting, watching and practice, dog almost caught birdface.  Got a feather or two, but nothing major.  No reason for me to get upset or worry.  birdface on the other hand must have been pissed.   Crazy little dude ripped his own feathers out of his own ass because he was mad!  That's some bad ass smack talk.  birdface basically said bring it on mutha fucka!  Bring.  It.  ON!   Ding ding!  Round two?  

I just wish he wouldn't have done it while I was gone.  I hate coming home to a clump of feathers and blood.  Almost as bad as when he got stuck in the fly paper at my old apartment.  Oh birdface!  Keeping me on my toes.

The upside... I have a bunch of new cool feathers to play with.  Compliments of dog.

Thursday, May 1, 2008

may day! may day! I'm hit!

One month from today, I'll be updating from New Delhi, India. Holy mother of squirrels, this might actually happen... assuming I get things worked out with the International Center accountant and am able to pay my fees. The bi-otch won't call me back. I hate hate hate getting blown off. Pisses me off like no other. I turn into a crazy woman when I think I'm being ignored, like parakeets when you get them wet. Angry little creatures. Plus, what the hell were they thinking trying to make me do all this during finals! JERKS to the nth degree... yeah I just called UF an infinite jerk. I feel its appropriate for so many reasons right now. They've abused our relationship this term. Budget cuts my ass. I wouldn't even be stressing if they had just given me a scholarship or the grant I applied for. I didn't want both, but one or the other would have been peachy. I'm fixin to dump UF like the bad partner it is. grrrrrr.....

I'm a bit tense today. Kinda awesome though that I've managed to remain calm until the last 24 hours of finals... I'm quite impressed with myself. Normally I have some sort of break down during the week leading up. Thank you anxiety medication. You rock my world.

This time tomorrow, I'm done. Sweet baby jesus! I can see the light at the end of the tunnel... and there's a beer with my name on it!