press pause

The past two days I've sat down to write about India, and I've found myself staring at the computer screen and feeling a sudden emptiness.  In fact this emptiness has been sneaking up on me ever so often for the past week.  I try to read through and edit my journal and find myself closing my eyes, leaning back, and getting lost in my own head.  I'm trying to work on several papers, which I'm truly excited about, but when I go to work on them or read some of the sources I've gathered for inspiration, I mentally retreat.  I guess what's bothering me is that I keep thinking about how nothing appears to have externally changed with myself.  So much has changed internally.  I feel that I need to have a way to show that change.  Somehow this is digging at me and keeping me up at night.  Thoughts and attempts at comprehending my experiences are overwhelming.  Still.

While many things in my material life are very much the same, same apartment, same car, same bike, same wonderful people, so much is different and I'm having difficulty coming to terms with it all on top of trying to process India.  I don't know what happened, but suddenly a significant number of people I know are either getting married or recently engaged.  When did everyone collectively decided to do this?  I feel happy and excited, but still confused and uncomfortable with the idea.  I'm not ready for this to start.  I can't even consistently date one person for more than a few weeks.  Not that I feel I have to keep up... but I feel confused about my feelings.  Karebear and I are going to a wedding next weekend.  We're dates.  I can't think of a person I'd rather get dressed up and feel beautiful with.  The person who is getting married is this woman, Karebear's old roommate, who I admired and worked with on some feminist projects.  Someone I went to for advice about thoughts and theory questions.  Someone I admired for her spunk, ability to successfully navigate multiple relationships, and determination.  Not that feminists can't get married,  not what I'm meaning to imply at all.  I just wonder how people are going to change even more and negotiate this huge thing into their identity.  A transition from an I to an Us.  Perfectly cool and fine.  But terrifying from a friend perspective.  Will we be able to relate anymore?  What will be different?  How will it be different?  I have married friends... some I knew before they were married, some I didn't.  The ones I did know before their marriage, our relationship has changed.  They talk about children.  They talk about settling down.  They talk about the long term.  I talk about going out.  I talk about not knowing where I'm going to live in 10 months or what I remotely want to do for a career.  I talk about the constant flux and flow that is uncertainty.  Yes I'm young.  But so are they!  I suppose it's that time in the lifeline.  People are choosing to enter that next stage of their lives, and I'm going to have to accept whatever that transition may bring.  Because there is absolutely nothing I can do about any of this, except be happy.  I suppose I'll just be happy.  I'm happy.

I stumbled across this article while grumbling and clicking around on Alternet.org.  While the article begins discussing same-sex marriage in California, I think some of Bright's later points on marriage in general really resonate mine.