Friday, August 15, 2008

journal entry: june 19, 2008

This past trip wasn't nearly as fun as the previous.  I wish I could describe why.  Perhaps its my current mood.  I'm feeling slightly anti-social right now and overall irritated with everyone.  The bus ride was extremely long, cold, and bumpy, which seemed to put everyone in moods similar to my own and feeling rather ill.  I noticed as the day wore on people getting significantly more selfish and rude to down right mean to each other.  I understand not feeling well, but taking frustration out on others only makes them not want to help you.  

I was also highly offended by some comments made during a conversation last night.  To the point were I don't think I want to interact with the particular person anymore.  Disagreements are fine.  I'm perfectly fine talking about our differences of opinion and listening to someone's argument.  But there is no need to personally attack me because I have a different opinion.  That's very childish and not at all discussing something in an academic manner.

I'm just really frustrated right now and honestly all I want to do is breakdown and cry.  I can't though.  I haven't been able to cry.  I can't cry.  I have no idea why.  Since I'm so moody, I'm going to avoid all human interactions for the rest of the evening.  I'm not going to be nice and it wouldn't be fair to take it out on someone else.  I will navigate relationships again tomorrow.  I really do love everyone on the trip, I just need to be away from them right now.


I'm evaluating my mental status and I think everything is starting to take its toll of sorts.  I'm a bit homesick for creature comforts and people.  But this is a good thing right?  This is what I wanted to get out of the trip.  I wanted to be pushed to my breaking point and not break.  I wanted to see all the things I've seen and experienced.  This will all help me in the long run.  Yet, right now I feel down right mean.

I can't be happy right now.  I called Jdawg to try to make myself feel better and it didn't.  I asked things I shouldn't have and now I'm in even more of a negative place.  While it was nice to talk somethings out with him, I was checked back into the harsh reality of our friendship.  I want more.  He doesn't.  Fin.  Why do I keep brooding about this?  Why am I thinking about it?  We're not even on the same planet right now... or so it seems.  I wish I could talk to my mom for an hour or so about everything without causing her to worry about me.  I guess that's why I unloaded on Jdawg.  He doesn't worry about me like everyone else in my life.  It's not going to torture him to hear me so upset and then not be able to contact me to check up later like it would mom.  At least that's how he's made it appear.  Perhaps its part of the bad ass persona.

I'm sitting outside the hut now.  Watching the sky and wondering why no tears are coming out of my eyes.  The full moon is out.  It's beautiful.  I wish Erin was here to see it.  The program is three weeks in.  Three left.  The full moon is hiding behind a cloud.  Not ready to emerge.  A lot like me right now.  I'm not ready to leave.  I've got so much left to do.  India and I have unfinished business.  This is the first time in my life I've been so completely overwhelmed and didn't cry.  Milestone.  Kind of scary though, it's only a matter of time before the levees break.

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